I found a good therapist this time. (You'd be amazed how often that isn't the case. Kind, yes. Well-trained, yes. Good? Not so much.) He's willing to dig down past all the obvious layers to go after the deeply buried stuff. Right now we're at the level of dealing with being an abandoned child adopted by child abusers. It's not a comfortable topic, but it's one that needs to be addressed.
I know it's
completely against the stereotype of all adoptive parents being loving
adoptive parents. "Every adopted child is a loved child," the saying
goes. Whenever I hear that I just want to pat the speaker on top of
the head, hand her a Harlequin Romance novel, and make her sit in the
corner while the grownups talk . Because -- let's compare it to
marriage, okay? Is every bride a loved bride -- in a healthy way? And
even if she's loved in a healthy way at the altar, how many are still
loved in a healthy way 2, 3, 5, 10 years down the road?
Now, do you honestly think it's any different for adopted children?
What happens when the "babymoon" is over and the adorable baby stops
I'm not saying that all adopted
children are abused. My best friend has wonderful, loving adopted
parents. But statistically a greater percentage of adoptees are abused
than children who live with their biological parents.
My sister and I were two of those children.
made the agency think that handing over newborn babies to a petty,
domineering, narcissistic, self-loathing woman with the emotional
maturity of a 13yo was anything remotely like a good idea was not a good
thing. Greed? Apathy? Naivete? IDK, but if they fed my birthparents
a line about me being sent to a loving home, then they lied through
Imagine yourself a child and everyone is always
telling you how lucky you are that your wonderful adoptive parents
rescued you from a terrible beginning and took you in. Imagine that
those same parents belittle you, neglect you, beat you, and worse.
yourself trying over and over again to get help and no one believing
you because those things don't happen to the "lucky" adopted kids with
their "wonderful" adoptive parents.
Imagine telling your life
story over and over again and every time being told flat out that you
must be lying. Those things don't happen to adopted kids.
Can you even begin to imagine the special kind of Hell this creates for abused adopted children?
if you can imagine that, here's the kicker. Other children can imagine
that they were switched at birth, and that somewhere there is someone
out there who will rescue them someday. Abused adoptees don't have that
luxury. We know we were rejected at birth, and that no one is ever
going to come and save us. We have no hope at all.
So we're in
pretty bad shape to begin with. A remarkably high number of men abused
adoptees become serial killers: Ted Bundy, Son of Sam, etc. The women
are more likely to become drug addicts or suicides.
But the icing
on the shitcake is our social invisibility. Nobody wants to hear our
stories. Nobody wants to know that things like this happen. When we do
speak we're told to shut up and take one for the team so that potential
birthparents won't be scared off and keep their kids instead of giving
But whose team are we taking one for? The children, or the abusive adoptive parents?
an awful lot there folks would rather you didn't talk about. So much
so that the stopping of it has kept me from being able to talk about
anything personal for most of my life. I don't have much in the way of
funny or pleasant anecdotes about my childhood to exchange with people
in the process of making friends, and an excess of the sort of
soul-searing horrors that should only be shared with good friends --
which leaves me little way of making good friends so I can share those
stories. Talk about a Catch-22.